Posts tagged Uncategorized
Tardy
May 20th
I am usually running late which is very distressing because tardiness is one of my biggest pet peeves. I am usually ready to walk out the door early but several times a day I lose my keys. In case you are thinking of giving me helpful suggestions like a hook or a basket thanks anyway. I have both. Right now the hook has my spare bottle opener on it, always a relief when I have misplaced the four in my kitchen, and the basket has my smoke alarm battery, a broken matchbox car Jackson wants me to fix and a compass. My children know the key hunt routine by heart. I scream “hurry! let’s go we’re gonna be late!” they sit in quiet terror on the bottom step while I frantically run around throwing things, retracing my steps from the last time I had keys and searching all the spots I have found them before. A few examples:
- In the front door. My neighbors are usually pretty awesome about reminding me how dangerous that is. I think. There is kind of a language barrier.
- In the freezer. Usually with my cell phone.
- Under my pillow. That seemed like a brilliant idea one night after two bottles of wine.
- In my purse. Always a shock.
- And yesterday the kitchen sink. That was a new one. The kitchen sink that was full of dirty dishes and hot soapy water. I guess I had also forgotten that I had started washing dishes. Another shock.
Babysteps
May 17th
Friday night I physically attacked my bathroom scale when it showed that I had gained 7 pounds since the beginning of my fast food fast. Despite the fast I have been rebelling against exercise and eating healthy. Tortilla and salsa combos have become a daily snack. I swear they are the best junk food invention ever. They taste just like chips and salsa but you can eat them in bed.
Really I have been pretty lucky. I have always had a superfast metabolism that has allowed me to eat like a seven hundred pound man. The fact that I am built like a linebacker makes me feel a lot more confident about carrying an extra 10 or 50 pounds. So once again this year I’ve been playing chicken with bathing suit season and it seems my metabolism has turned on me. I still refuse to go to the gym. I will not cut into the beer budget.
So yesterday I decided to go on a run. I thought about running in my neighborhood but decided I wanted a cigarette first. So my dog, Junebug Jones, and I drove to the park. My goal was to run at least twenty minutes. I figured I would have to walk five and then run five since it’s been a while. Yesterday afternoon was hot and muggy but I was determined. I walked my five then started to run. Exactly one minute, forty six seconds later I went down. I’m not sure whether I blacked out or my dog tripped me or a little of both. Luckily I came to just as I was hitting the ground and was able to avoid any serious injuries.
Today I’ll try my pilates video.
What Am I Supposed to Be Doing?
May 14th
I have not dropped of the face of the earth. It has been a crazy busy week.
Sunday: Mothers day, pizza and beer and an obviously plagarized mothers day card from my daughter. “My mom is cool because she cooks me good food.”
Monday: I woke up with bits of a tooth on my pillow because of teeth grinding. As a result decided to try life without my ADD medicine. Spent most of the day throwing temper tantrums about going to the dentist and looking for my keys. It also took me 30 minutes to get home from work even though its a 10 minute drive. Very happy I didnt get a ticket for making the same illegal u turn ten times because I kept missing the turn into my apartment complex.
Tuesday: I had what was left of my wisdom tooth pulled. The good part is I felt very thin as I was mopping up my own drool. No ADD meds = I forgot to eat before I went to the dentist. Didn’t really care where my keys were since I was able to get tanked with just three beers. Not eating makes me a very cheap date.
Wednesday: I had to take about fifty facebook quizzes to find out I am a ho with antisocial personality disorder. I am also very distressed that jesus thinks I am a “lazy shit” fortunately though I am not a retard. Those quizzes are very distracting. I spent only one hour searching for my keys and another checking to make sure I hadn’t left my children in the car. The kids were with their dad thank goodness.
Although I have been very confused this week I remembered my pants every day and I did not forget to watch Daisy of Love, Charm School with Ricki Lake and The Real Housewives of New Jersey at least three times each.
I’m considering taking my meds today.
