Posts tagged growth

My mom was the most loyal, caring and giving  person that I have ever met. She was one of those rare people who recognized the good and bad in people.  She knew and understood that nobody is perfect but the good usually outweighs the bad.  For her it wasn’t a Karma situation. I honestly believe that she never once thought about what she was going to get out of doing for other people.  She would do anything for anyone. She was also brutally honest, often times leaving people confused about whether she liked them or not. She had a tendency to be short with people and felt awkward in social situations. She was a doer not a talker. Because of her intense compassion and loyalty to her principles she was also an outstanding business woman. 

This December will mark the third year anniversary of her death. A lot of times I don’t think she is there for me anymore. I get jealous of people who say that they can feel a loved ones prescence after they are gone.  She was a very spiritual woman so I fully expected to have her standing beside me for the rest of my life. That year was the toughest time of my life,  I spent every available moment with her. Sometimes I felt guilty about complaining about all the trivial problems in my life but, just as would expect a mother to say, she assured me that her problems didn’t make mine any smaller they were valid because they were mine. I later learned that wasn’t just motherly love, it was the same thing she told everyone. My biggest regret about that time is I didn’t ask enough questions about how to be exactly like her.  I knew that too many questions would have caused her to ask me to please shut up, or leave. The combination of intense chemo-therapy and, my need to talk incessantly through the awkwardness of knowing she was dying, drained her. So she put me to work around her house. 

Apparently, during those days of being lovingly ordered around, I learned more than I thought.  Everyday, I am shocked to discover that I am turning into my mother.  Everyday things are a little less black and white. Even though I can see people’s flaws, I can honestly love and care about them because I can see the good parts that matter more.  While I am extremely competitive,  I am now able to realize that the fast way doesn’t always work out the best in the long run.  I am not quite as selfless as my mother. I do believe in Karma. Loyalty begets loyalty. I’m not wealthy but I am passionate about what I believe in. I will always stand up for who and what I care about. I will never be a politician and will never be able to keep my strong opinions to myself.

This week has been very frustrating. I am proud of the person I am becoming but I am realizing that there are a lot of people who just don’t get it.  I am proud to be able to ”tell it like it is” but disappointed when people can’t see further than their own small world. 

Fortunately, these people are few and far between. I have faced a lot of obstacles over the past few years. Obstacles that, for some, would turn them against the world, but fate has worked in my favor.  Each obstacle has proven that there is more support out there than hurdles. I am slowly surrounding myself with people who are as caring and compassionate as my mother.  She is here and I am confident that she is pushing them into my path.

I am making my new years resolution early.  I am going to continue to find those people and keep them close to me.

I know this is way more gushy than usual.  You may be surprised that deep down I am a very positive person.  Don’t be alarmed. I also got my self deprecating, sarcastic sense of humor from my mother and I will continue to use it.