Finally, I can confidently announce the story I am working on for NoMoSlackMo.

Yesterday was the first day of business at Spa310’s new expanded location.  It was exciting but still felt a little incomplete.  I knew we would be short one team member, who was not supposed to start until today. I  didn’t want to let the cat completely out of the bag, and mess up any of his plans. That’s why I had to wait until now, moving around in the beauty industry is a delicate matter.

Even though, our plan was to do a few clients and kind of get into the groove, our clients had better ideas for us. We hit the ground running with an almost completely full day!

Midday I took a 45 minute break to pick my daughter up from school. When I returned, I was so excited to see the last of the fab four had unexpectedly joined us.

And he was already cutting hair! Fucking Amazing!!

So this is where my story starts (kindof, there is a bit of background to tell).

You will never meet a more interesting group of people than the staff at Spa310, all from completely different backgrounds, with completely different lifestyles.  Four hairstylists, who we refer to as the fab four, and three estheticians, including our fearless leader Daniella (I mean really who else could have pulled a salon out of thin air, including a complete renovation, in just three and a half weeks?!).

You will also never meet a group of people whose personalities and talents complement each other so perfectly.  No other group could have accomplished this awesome feat in a matter of weeks. We have known for months that we all wanted to be together somewhere but until December 8th we had no idea where that was going to be. And all the obstacles that have been thrown in our way so far have pushed us all a little harder.

So as a huge thank you to my new family, my NoMoSlackMo project, is a journal of the birth of the new Spa310 – Boutique Salon and Medical Spa.

The new salon/spa opens this morning. It’s one of the most exciting days ever for me, mostly because my career has suffered a few rocky years, and since my mother passed away I have not been used to my full potential. I’m excited to have an employer who values my expertise and all of the work I have put in over the years, studying the industry.

Not only will I be able to grow and thrive behind the chair, but I can also use everything my mother ever taught me, to help the entire salon grow as a business.  This is exciting to me and what I have always wanted whether I get paid or not, but as luck would have it I am getting paid anyway.

2009 brought me quite a few financial struggles, bringing home less and less every week, but powerless to make the tiny changes that I knew could improve my situation.

I made it, and was able to teach Wednesday a little about budgeting.

I am also very excited today because yesterday, her and I struck quite the deal.

She brought home a permission form for an “in-school” field trip (whatever the hell that means), that cost $1.25. When I told her she might have to remind me, she quickly said that she had $1.25 in her new piggy bank and she could pay for her field trip if I didn’t have any money(I swear, I have never denied field trip money. Forgot until the last minute, maybe, but it’s always there just in time).

Overwhelmed by how sweet that was, I told her that I thought she should use her money for something else she might want, that I was more than happy to pay for the field trip.

She thought a second, then had an epiphany, “Oh Yeah! I want to save for college. If you pay the $1.25, I’ll pay for college.”

Sweet!! Sounds good to me!!

A year and a half ago I was a time management wiz.

Unfortunately, my former job caused me to waste hours each day, honing my telekinetic skills. I would not call those hours wasted if I had ever actually been able to explode someone’s head just with a look, but obviously I wasn’t.

Now I have to put my exploding heads, with the power of my hatred, project aside and get back to a productive life.

Today, I have a few last minute jobs as salon manager (Yay! I forgot to mention that exciting bit.) before opening day.

I also am getting the kids back into the home and school routine, after being away with Grandparents for the last week. If you have kids you know how difficult that is.

MC Bizzy J apparently became a man while he was away.

Yesterday at breakfast, after balling up his fists and inviting me to see “the gun show,” I mentioned to his Dad that we might want to tone down the macho talk before it caused any trouble.  He reminded me that MC Bizzy J has always been a little more virile than your average three-year old. That’s when Wednesday, our eight-year old daughter, jumped in to remind us all of how much MC Bizzy J enjoyed wearing her pink princess dress, a year or so ago.

Because MC Bizzy J wasn’t denying it, I took the opportunity to remind him that some boys like to wear pink dresses, and that it is okay if he would like to wear one too.

Before their Dad was able to say anything to contradict me, MC Bizzy J promptly put us all in our place with a “why is my Mom so dumb” eye roll and his response

“No Mommy, boys don’t like pink dresses.  Boys like blue dresses.”

All is not lost.

My Christmas was amazing! I think it was my best one yet, my kids are just at that perfect age.

While I really wanted Christmas day to go on forever, I was completely exhausted by 2 in the afternoon. Luckily that is around the time my kids left with their dad for Christmas dinner with his family, so I was able to crash for a couple hours.

When I woke up, in a pile of Kit Kat and Reese’s wrappers, the feeling of let down that Christmas is over quickly set in.

Two days after Christmas the kids left with my ex’s parents for New Hampshire to visit family for a week.  Even though I had more than enough work to keep me busy and I usually enjoy my quiet time, the beginning of the week got a little lonely.

I have had a lot of time to think about my life and what I want out of it. Through many years of therapy I have learned how to analyze every action I take and feeling that I have. I am honest always with myself. This honesty sometimes leaves me with feelings of anxiety or guilt but I have also learned to deal with those and let them go.

Letting go, and never playing victim or martyr, has led to a confidence that I wish I had 10 years ago. The kind of confidence that allowed me to walk through a crowded kid’s pizza joint last night, with my dress tucked into my tights, truly thinking “whatever,” when I realized something wasn’t quite right.

This confidence has also brought me to a place where I feel comfortable letting people know exactly what I want or need.

I’ve noticed that just in the past week or so that skill is still growing and developing, which is going to lead to a kick ass 2010.  A year minus the bullshit.

And my early resolution to keep the good people in my life close is already in action.

A couple of those good people questioned my sanity, after yesterday’s post (which by the way, got more hits in an hour than I usually get in a whole day, making yesterday my biggest blogging day ever! So I guess I should thank Mr and Mrs Douchebag), nervous that it might come back to bite me later.

I thought it through and decided, if I can’t be honest, I don’t want to write.  But I am as honest in person, so if anyone ever wrongs me they will know far ahead of my blog readers my true feelings, and should own their actions, as I do.

We all make mistakes, and the difference between winners and losers is how you grow from those mistakes.

You are who who are. If it makes you happy, be proud, and if it doesn’t, take responsibility and fix it. It doesn’t take years of therapy, just watch a couple episodes of My Name is Earl.

We all call it something different, but Karma is real whether you believe we only have one life or if there are more lives to come.

So, cheers, once again to new beginnings in the New Year.

And if are looking for a spiritual guru, I now accept paypal.

I have been looking forward to this day for the last seven months.

So finally it is time to reveal my big secret.

I officially quit my job today.

I will be starting fresh on Tuesday, so if I cut your hair don’t be alarmed. I would never leave you and I will be in touch this weekend with all of the specifics (feel free to send me an email through the comment link up top).

I want to thank you for sticking with me through the insanity that has been my place of employment for the past 14 months. It’s finally over and my wonderful, loyal clients have been the only thing keeping me going.

I really look forward to seeing every one of you and hope that I will see you for many years to come.  Because I have had the luxury of  time to think this decision through, I promise that this will be my last move for a very long time.

Now I am going to continue my list of resolutions for 2010.

I will never again wear all black or grit my teeth to the point of headache because I am forced to listen to too loud, techno music all day long.

I will never again stand in a circle holding hands with my coworkers, while I listen to my boss cry as he compares our work environment to the war in the middle east and promises to make a change just like Obama, only days after attempting to deny unemployment benefits to a well liked salon manager, who he laid off.

I will never again see my employer sitting at a bar directly across the street from the salon, drinking for six hours straight, instead of bringing in the bacon because he has just instituted a new service charge.

I will never again fear that my paycheck is going to bounce because I only have two clients in that six hour period and surely my service charges will not cover more than three or four rounds.

I will never again have to hear “I only cut hair in the French Method” proudly announced by a large man dressed in a girls size 10 tank top. A child’s tank top that probably cost the same as my groceries for the week.

I will never again take twenty minutes mixing color, because I have to play chemist in the dispensary, figuring out exactly how much blue back and strawberry blonde it takes to make a neutral brown because, out of 80 different colors available, only 3 tubes are in stock.  Apparently my service charge does not cover drinks and hair color.

I will never again wonder what in the hell “I only cut hair in the French method” means.  In my twice as many years behind the chair as the man in the girl’s shirt I have never heard of anything so ridiculous.

I will never again have to apologize to one of my longtime clients, who was unknowingly scheduled with a stylist who passed a state board exam less than twenty four hours before, because my employers are so desperate for cash right now that they can’t suggest an appointment a few days later.

I will never again have to suggest that my clients just call me to set up their appointments because 85% of the time the person answering the phone is in a prescription induced haze.

I will never again hear that my clients must be messing up their own appointment times, or that the computer must have done it, because in the few lucid moments it seems obvious that even a high functioning chimpanzee could not make that many stupid mistakes.

I will never again be sad to say goodbye to a loyal apprentice, who even though she was promised a full time job was let go days after her high school graduation because the hours just weren’t available, only to discover two new apprentices hired within the month.

I will never again rush to be on time for a mandatory huddle, that starts every single morning at exactly 9:50 AM, because arriving at 9:51 AM could result in either a maniacal tirade by my employer or the discovery that it is the day for one of the family’s weekly visits to the emergency room.

I will never again wait six months for health insurance that should be instated “next week” in the meantime being asked for an opinion on important decisions, like which custom barbicide jars would look best. Knowing full well that my opinion doesn’t matter and that I really didn’t give a shit, as long as the barbicide jar was heavy enough that when I hurled it at a large man in a girl’s size 10 tank top it would at least knock him down.

I will never again say goodbye to a top producing coworker, unexpectedly fired three weeks before Christmas for being a total of  three and a half hours late over the last year, by employers who may show up for work, but probably won’t.

I will never again be worried about an employer who is once again in the emergency room, this time for a very “rare and dangerous strain of the swine flu” only to see them at work the next day and never hear it mentioned again.

I will never again wonder if someday I will be a fringe character in a lifetime movie based on the most classically abusive marriage I have ever witnessed.

I will never again wonder if that movie will finally give the desperately needed feeling of fame to a narcissistic sociopath, who will never be a rock star.

I will never again be confused by reading an ad looking for new stylists even though I have lost over a third of my clientele, some who were brave enough to contact me and say they couldn’t stand to return to my new salon, leaving me with plenty of open space on my book.

I will never again laugh for days after reading the ad looking for stylists. I do think you should get a good laugh too, so here is the real ad that was posted on craigslist. It has expired so I’m sure you will think I am lying, but really this is the kind of thing you can’t make up.  It is also the kind of thing I had to listen to during my employer’s, thankfully scarce, appearances at the salon.

Cultivating an appetite for international industry professionals while increasing global brand positioning. We’ve created a grassroots movement crowning —- Salon as the premier influence in the hair industry, shaping —- Salon into a global asset. The image of —- Salon will represent experience and resourcefulness while reinforcing it’s brand identity as the true, engaging, and artistic company it embodies. We are developing a company that inspires a community of homogeneous industry artists by creating a destination of experience.The community will be offered a place that delivers current looks and services as well as maintains the highest level of professionalism.The open communication between —- Salon and it’s devotees will spread through social media channels such as it’s blog,Twitter, Facebook, and other networks. Please email your resume’ for review and interview opportunity.

Honestly this could go on for hours, and even though it sounds very bitter and angry, I’m not anymore. I am super excited to move on to the next phase in my career. An opportunity that I wouldn’t have had without the last 14 months of torture.

I know I surprise my readers every time I say this, but I am pretty positive underneath it all and now that it is done, I can proudly call it all a valuable learning experience.

Also, I am obviously not at all concerned with burning bridges.

How in the hell did 2010 get here already!?

I’ve got a few resolutions to share and still a few that have to wait until tomorrow. (Obviously I am dying to tell a great big secret. Soon enough.)

First, I will try to be more patient and tolerant.

HAHAHAHA!

Really, I wouldn’t hold your breath on that one.

Okay. Starting over a little more realistically.

I resolve to buy a pair of pants that fits. It’s time to admit that the thirty pounds I have gained this year is not water weight and is not coming off by itself. Also I am going to dare to be different and not resolve to lose the pounds because honestly I’ve got more exciting things to do than diet and exercise. I am assuming the more expensive these new pants are the faster I will drop the pounds.

These new pants will not be black. I resolve to never again buy an item of black clothing even if my brightly colored wardrobe mixed with my style “challenges” means being asked to make balloon animals at every kids birthday party I go to for the rest of my life. More on this one later.

Because I’m not going to make myself that ridiculous empty promise of losing weight in the new year I am going to attempt to at least be presentable most of the time. No more gallivanting around the city in my PJ’s, if I wear a ponytail more than 3 days a week this month I’m chopping my hair off and I’m going to wear gloves when I do hair color so people stop asking me what I think is wrong with their car.

I will clean out my car so that I am not too embarrassed to take it to the mechanic. This has actually become a necessity as my inspection is now three months overdue.

I am throwing every child sock in the house except the ten new pairs santa brought each kid which I have already marked on the toe with sharpie as keepers. I hate children’s socks. I believe they are of the devil, they seem to multiply like Gremlins when my kids feet sweat. Even though my home is infested with little socks you will very rarely see me or my children wearing a matching pair.

I am committing to January’s NaBloPoMo, because without it I apparently only blog once every two weeks and surely lose most of my readers. I will post every day this month but some days may be quick and to the point or old posts I want to edit.

And the big one…

I will write a 50,000 word “novel” by the end of this month. If you were also a participant of NaNoWriMo and totally flaked then you should check out NoMoSlackMo. January just makes so much more sense than November and I have an amazing story idea. Once again I can’t tell about it just yet.  Tomorrow is a really big day.

Because I have been crazy busy today I am hosting my first guest blogger. Two as a matter of fact.

I would like to introduce my eight year old daughter, Wednesday, and her BFF six year old, Violet (names have been changed to protect the “innocent” from being identified by the evil fairies).

Wednesday: Me and Violet found ripped pages out of our fairy journals. They totally disappeared and there were ripping marks.

Violet: We found scribbles in our notebooks.

W: In our book it said fairies eat meat and they DO NOT. Because they love nature.

V: The scribbles looked like fairy writing. Like a “A” looks like a upside down V.

W: There was a brown pen up there and the notebook was there and it was fairy writing.  They are torturing us.

V: The fairies are bad and bad fairies eat meat. Me and Wednesday are going to get them here to try to kill them because they love lavender and thats how we are going to get them!

W: Me  and  my  friend  are  trying   to  kill  the  fairies. If  you  want  to  kill  them,  follow  these  steps.,  get  rosemary,balloon  blower, jack-in-the-box, and  toy fairies.

V: They like the smell of lavender and they will come to us.

W: And then we blow them away with the balloon blower and hope that will kill them.

V: The noise will get the fairies to come because they like the music and then we can blow them away with the balloon blower.

W: We need the toy fairies to trick the bad fairies so then we are going to sleep with one and then we have the balloon blower. and blow them away.

V: I have an M&M jar that has a poisonous leaf in it, for real it has a poinsettia leaf in it, and when we open it they will fly in and we close it and they get stuck.

W: Get your dead flowers!

V: And also put dirt in it. Junebug (the dog) is going to be our guard and eat the bad fairies if we miss them Junebug will jump up and grab them.

W: We are hoping that the fairies DO NOT give us pixie dust so we can fall asleep because we want to blast them.

V: Pixie dust will kill you if it’s really bad.

W: If that doesn’t work we will use our invisible guns to shoot them down and stomp them.

Thanks girls. That was a big help. And left me plenty of time to cover up the smell of lavender essential oil and have an extra glass of “juice.”

I have to give my ex the credit for the title of my blog. Last spring we were at dinner with our kids and as per usual they were driving me absolutely insane. As we were getting into the car he said to me “It’s all going to be Okay. Straitjackets are slimming.”

Genius! I knew right then that was the most perfect title for my first memoirs. With a title like that a book didn’t even have to be any good!

A month or so later I decided to start a blog and “Straitjackets are Slimming” popped back into my head.

It’s one of those things that sounds so perfectly familiar that of course, I was sure I had heard it somewhere so I decided to google it just to be sure it was not already in use.

I am not completely naive, but am a little prudish. There are certain things that just aren’t appropriate to talk about in mixed company. The things that came up in my initial google searches made me blush.

I am proud to say that now when I google the words “straitjackets slimming” my blog shows up in almost two complete pages of search results.

In all my blog reading I have seen people list the google searches that led readers to their blog. A couple months ago I had none.

Last night I checked again (I’m snowbound and facebook has changed privacy rules, so I am left to stalk myself), and I was mortified.

Here are the top disturbing google searches that have led to Straitjackets are Slimming.

• warm sexy crotchless pajamas (okay not that disturbing but it led to a post about my dog which I thought was funny. Trust me, it gets better.)
• become a fan of not being eaten (Sorry not better yet. Even though this obviously refers to facebook it is really funny to me.)
• afraid to be single forever and what am i supposed to be doing with my life (I’m a little sorry for the folks that wound up here. I’m sure it wasn’t that big of a help.)
• very thin “forgot to eat” (Once again wrong place. I’m really confused about how this one happened.)
• most torture slimming experience ” (Here’s where it starts to get weird. If you are easily creeped out stop here.)

I knew that would make you keep reading, no matter how bored you were getting.

• is liking straitjackets a bad thing (Probably not as bad as the next two.)
• children put in straitjackets stories** (What!? Obviously we have quickly stepped into SVU territory)
• straitjackets for kids** (Whoa! I have to say I hope they gave up after this one and if so I am proud to have done the world a public service.)
• dadys closet straitjacket (While I was terrified to google the previous two myself. This one seems to be a search for a popular leather apparel store)

And my very favorite…

• women in straitjackets and diapers (I am more naive than I thought)

I have learned that the internet is a very scary place and I am more than a little nervous about the visitors I will get from this post.  Surely it is the first of many creepy google search term posts.

**These results are the reason I do not believe in a right to privacy except for cases of basic identity theft. If you are here from one of these searches I hope Big Brother has an eye on you, please seek help immediately.

Right now I am sitting in my very warm apartment watching a bunch of my idiot neighbors dig their cars out of the snow.  I knew last night after sliding the entire way home from work that I wasn’t going anywhere today.  I do appreciate the entertainment though.

I am looking out my window at what must be six feet of snow.  Really its only about 10 inches but I live in Richmond, VA where there isn’t all that much difference.

There are people here who have four wheel drive vehicles and there are a lot of northern transplants who have experience driving in the snow. I have heard these people make fun of the way the city shuts down after the first flake.

Make fun all you want. I’m staying in, which makes you a little safer. The piece that these people often forget is that many of us aren’t very good drivers on a perfect day, so the one snow day we get every year is a very bad one to be on the road no matter how skilled you are.

I also would like to point out to them how many of my neighbors decided to spend hours digging out of the snow banks this morning, mostly with brooms and buckets of hot water, because transplants from Mexico know even less about snow removal than Virginians. That’s who was on the road with you today. Hopefully, you are safe and have learned that it’s probably best to stay home tomorrow.

Tomorrow the entire city will be a big sheet of ice. I will probably stay in again.

Tomorrow is when the real crazies, who missed one day of valuable Christmas shopping, will be out and I have neither snow boots or snow tires.  I also have very little patience, severe road rage and my severe ADD makes driving anytime a danger. Mostly a danger to others because my massive boat will crush anything smaller than a city bus.

Your safety is my holiday gift to you all. You’re welcome Richmond.

You know you are a bona fide responsible adult when your back keeps locking up, so you pee standing up rather than risk having to call your boss and tell them you are going to be late because you have been trying to get off the toilet for the last thirty minutes.

When you are done laughing at my misery, enjoy this holiday greeting from MC Bizzy J…

(Thanks Jamie! I changed the groupies in the hopes that his taste in women will one day mature.)

Update: I was obviously not thinking clearly when I wrote the previous statement. Obviously I do not hope that my son has anything to do with a Sarah Palin type. Sorry, I was in pain.