word wall wednesday
This is Only the Beginning
Dec 2nd
Before I get to Word Wall Wednesday, I have two things I want to mention.
First, my cats are fine. They didn’t touch the poinsettia and just in case I called my vet to see if I should just toss it. They are not deadly poisonous they will just cause a little stomach upset. Honestly, that would serve them right for destroying everything in my house. Before you animal lovers get all bent out of shape and call the animal cops, know that I have tried to report myself and they won’t take them back.
Also, I’m really excited to announce that Lady Wanderlust at The World According to Lisa interviewed me for The Great Interview Experiment 2009. Her blog is one of my new favorites and it seems we may have been separated at birth. So a big thanks to Neil Kramer at Citizen of the Month for this awesome project.
The interview I did will be posted soon and I would like to invite any of my readers who would like to be featured here in an interview to let me know.
Because one of her questions for me centered around my post “Single Life“, which was my actual Match.com profile for about a year, I decided I would step away from the usual parenting theme of Word Wall Wednesday and use my daughter’s second grade vocabulary words to illustrate a few reasons why I am taking a well deserved break from dating.
In an effort to not waste anyone’s time I am always up front and honest, the unfortunate truth is, no matter the age, background or experience, men do not listen.
If a man agrees with most of the things you say, returns all of your texts and phone calls within minutes, and shows up for all of your dates on time he probably does not have a job.
Turns out, no matter what they say, men with young children usually are looking for a step-mother. Any reasons you have for believing they aren’t are probably good clues that they are still married to said young children’s mother.
Cutting all communication after any mention of a restraining order against an ex-wife, is the best way to avoid a surprise attack in the ladies room during an otherwise very nice first date.
While I appreciate the generosity of older men , I get very uncomfortable having to refuse more than one offer of having my children come over to play on a backyard swing set, especially if the offerer’s adult children do not allow their own kids to visit unchaperoned.
Checking a man’s trunk for “a friend’s car seat” is a good way to avoid breaking your new rule of not dating men with children.
Men my age who have never been in a committed relationship may seem perfect, but sometimes the reason is a gastrointestinal issue that probably should be discussed before chinese food at his very tiny apartment, where even the noise from a heavy rain can’t hide the horrifying sounds of an obviously unhealthy bowel movement.
If his bowels work just fine, there is a great chance he kisses his dog with an open mouth.
When you realize that a man has not been completely honest about his height, pray that his Napoleon complex does not compel him to make loud racist comments in a crowded bar after a drink or two.
A man who knows the dictionary definition of a stalker, will know all of your states stalker laws and how to obey them. They also probably know a lot more about you than you would expect.
Sadly, this list is only the tip of the iceberg.
Word Problems
Nov 18th
We are slowly overcoming our 2nd grade homework issues. As a matter of fact the vocabulary seems to have become a non-issue. We’re still having a little bit of a struggle with math.
At the risk of sounding like an idiot I will say that I’ve never been much of a math person. I am not an idiot, I had no problem learning trigonometric functions, but it may have served me better to learn how to balance a checkbook.
My personal feeling is that school should prepare kids for real life and all the focus on test scores is getting us further and further from that goal. A few nights a week my daughter’s math homework involes a word problem worksheet. While the actual math is something that she can use every day, the word problems just don’t apply to real life.
Because I don’t often carry around a basket of apples, and none of my real friends would try to take apples away from me, for today’s Word Wall Wednesday I have decided to use Savannah’s weekly vocabulary words to create a few, more relevant, word problems.
1. My kids are at my house 4 days a week, and at their Dad’s house 3 days a week. If I purchase a package of one dozen tube socks for each child how many weeks can I put off doing a load of white laundry? 2. If 5 of my daughter’s friends have been absent from school for the last 3 days, how many feet do I need to stay away from her to avoid catching the swine flu? 3. The rent is due December 5th, but payday is not until December 16th. How many times will I push the ignore button on my cell phone between the 5th and the 16th? 4. If 3 family members use 4 dishes at a meal plus I use 3 pans to cook, how much time will I save by stopping at Taco Bell on the way home? 5. During a 10 minute drive, 3 different cars cut me off. How many expletives will my children learn during this drive? How many will my 3-year-old repeat at preschool? 6. On a first date I have 6 beers before I realize the guy is a fruit loop. The next day I ignore 16 messages. How many dozen roses will I get at work before I notify the authorities? 7. On Monday I caught my son jumping on the bed after 3 minutes. On Tuesday it took me 6 minutes to catch him. If this pattern continues, how many stitches is he going to need on Friday? 8. My hot water runs out after 50 minutes. If my daughter gets in the shower at 6:05 and gets out at 6:47 will I have enough hot water to shave at least enough of my legs to wear capri pants? 9. The area of a full size bed is approximately 28 feet. One dog and two cats occupy a total area of 9 feet. At 2:37am my son, who occupies an area of 6 feet, has a nightmare. At 2:53am my daughter, who occupies an area of 10 feet, gets up to use the bathroom and discovers her baby brother is in Mommy’s bed. What time does Mommy move to the couch? 10. There are 4 glasses of wine in a bottle and I buy 3 bottles of wine in one trip to the grocery store. How many trips will I have to make to the store by the end of the week? 11. A recipe, yeilding three dozen cookies, requires 1/3 cup of butter, 2 1/2 cups of flour, and 3/4 cup of sugar. How many boxes of girl scout cookies will I hide from my children in the spring?Be careful some of these are trick questions. Feel free to leave your answers in the comments but be sure to show your work.
I Voted
Nov 4th
Yesterday, I voted. I always vote, partly because I care and want to make sure my voice is heard but it’s mostly because I am afraid of my mother. Even though she’s been gone for three years and I know in my heart that she is busy enjoying her well earned, peaceful, afterlife there are a few things that I am positive she would strike me down over. Not voting is one of them. Voting for a Republican is another. So to all my passionately conservative readers don’t be mad at me, I am a Socialist purely out of fear.
As luck would have it, my polling place is my daughters elementary school, where I had a parent teacher conference scheduled yesterday afternoon. I figured that it would just be a quick stop. I was wrong.
The theme of today’s Word Wall Wednesday is my trip to the polls and it is another quick example of my irrational paranoia. If you don’t know what Word Wall Wednesday is, check out “If You Don’t Do Your Homework” to see how it came about.
* “I’m sorry Ms. Rickards you’re name is not on the list.”
* “Are you sure? Check Richards. It gets spelled wrong a lot.”
* Then exactly four people proceeded to ask me a total of nine times if I was sure I hadn’t moved to a different spot or changed my last name.
* While my memory is not top notch, I am sure these things are something I would have remembered.
* Next the head volunteer came over and asked “Do you mind if I make a phone call?”
* Panic immediately kicks in, have I done something illegal?
* I imagine being taken away in handcuffs, assuring Jackson that his sister will take very good care of him.
* I tell myself to relax, they don’t take away your right to vote until you commit a felony, it is just a clerical error.
* I would know if I did commit a felony, right?
*I wish the woman on the phone would stop looking at me so sternly over her glasses, I’m really freaking out.
*Maybe I should call someone to drive the getaway truck.
*Calm down, while library fines are not funny, they would have to be pretty high to be considered a felony.
* Okay, she’s done, don’t let her know you are about to flip.
*Nevermind, it turns out my name was misspelled as “Richards” and now I know why the election day volunteers don’t have paying jobs.
New Neighbor
Oct 28th
I love making to do lists. So for today’s Word Wall Wednesday I have decided to get an early start and write my list for tomorrow.
To Do:
* Cross my fingers that I don’t step in ginormous dog poo at six o’clock in the morning. .
* Be happy I haven’t broken a bone after slipping on ginormous poop.
* Throw my poop covered socks and sweat pants in the trash
* Consider lacing a dog treat with rat poison as a welcome gift to the new neighbors from my family.
* Instead write a note to the neighbor about cleaning up after her dogs.
* Watch the neighbor stomp out flaming bag of poo that was delivered with said note.
* Laugh, run inside, and lock the door.
* Shoot water out of my nose when I remember the look on my neighbors face.
* Hope that my neighbor does not hold a grudge.
* Pretend like I am gone when the authorities knock on my door.
Why Boys Are Dumb
Oct 14th
Today is the first official Word Wall Wednesday. I realize that makes two in a row but the whole point is to encourage routines and not put off until tomorrow what I can do today blah, blah, blah. I would also like to keep with the parenting theme and I am afraid that because my ex and I are getting along very well these days my kids are going to start to get the wrong idea about relationships with the opposite sex. I have to thank my parents for instilling in me such a strong fear of commitment and I can only hope that my babies daddy and I can do the same for our children. Its time for us to keep our healthy, positive communication to ourselves and think about our children’s futures. Hopefully through constant bickering, insulting each others family, upbringing and values and of course avoiding physical contact like the plague we can show our kids the dangers of romantic relationships. My personal feeling is that children should only be allowed to have fulfilling relationships when they have shown they are responsible enough to pay for their own therapy. In order to keep this educational for an eight year old girl, I’m calling it why boys are dumb.
- Boys who drive muscle cars are not nearly as cool once you sober up.
- If a boy wants to give you a gift then he was definitely not watching football with the guys until 4am.
- Don’t be too embarrassed when your high school soulmate who you used to watch chick flicks with introduces you to his husband.
- If you tell a boy where you live there is a strong chance he is hiding outside in the bushes waiting to watch you sleep.
- When he doesn’t call you can always sit at home and eat pie with Mommy.
- If a boy really wants you to meet his mother run for the hills.
- Boys only laugh when you dive butt first into the toilet in the middle of the night because they left the seat up.
- No matter what they say it will not be the hot wings a boy will gape at when he suggests you go on a date to Hooters.
- Remember that everything happens for a reason before you take pity on a boy who tells you the story about his ex-girlfriend coming at him with a knife.
- Before you get too excited about doing the electric slide at your wedding think about what that cute little boy is going to look like bald, except for his ears and nostrils, carrying 50 extra pounds but still wearing the same suit to a job that is going nowhere even though you gave up your scholarship to Harvard to wait tables while he finished college and raised his children while he worked on his so called career all to end up hooked on sleeping pills because his fat ass snores likes a water buffalo because that is what you are going to be stuck with for the rest of your life.
If You Don’t Do Your Homework
Oct 13th
Yesterday I discovered Savannah has not been telling me the truth about doing all of her homework. It’s not that she’s a bad kid she is just a little scatterbrained and procrastinates like crazy. Also as I’ve mentioned before her teachers so far have not put a big emphasis on learning good study habits.
Honestly, it didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure it out especially because she and I are so much alike. I have tried to explain to her why doing her best in school is so important and putting off the dull stuff until the last minute just isn’t worth it. It all starts with leaving your word study notebook at school and the next thing you know you show up at work looking like an eighties punk rocker because your electricity gets cut off in the middle of putting on your makeup. Since peacock makeup is cool to a second grade girl and I know procrastination is a hard habit to break I have decided to try sitting down and doing her homework with her every afternoon.
One of her weekly assignments is to write sentences for each of her vocabulary words. Turns out it is a really great creative exercise for me too and because this blog is something I enjoy doing but often don’t gets put off I am going to try to combine the two. I’m calling it Word Wall Wednesday. And yes I know its Tuesday. I’m doing it today because she was a whole week behind on her homework and I am a month behind on blog entries.
My theme today is “If You Don’t Do Your Homework”.
*If you don’t do your homework I am going to have to draw you a map to the welfare office. *If you don’t do your homework you will not have health insurance to cover the cost when you get bitten by a rabid bat who does not like sharing his home under a bridge by the interstate. *If you don’t do your homework my plan, of you becoming a wealthy plastic surgeon and me looking way too young to be at the luxurious assisted living facility that you pay for, will be thwarted. *If you don’t do your homework your trailer might be carted away by a repo man named Snake with all six of your bastard children still in it. *If you don’t do your homework you can count on washing plates at the Waffle House. *If you don’t do your homework you better learn how to swing a bat because your life of crime will mean that you are forbidden to own a handgun which could be used to protect you from the loan sharks you contacted to help you retrieve your repossessed trailer. *If you don’t do your homework you wont be able to afford your plane ticket home from Las Vegas when you realize that you are too short to be a showgirl. *If you don’t do your homework I will not be bailing you out when you get caught smoking grass behind the drivers ed trailer in high school. *If you don’t do your homework a good way to set yourself apart from the other panhandlers would be to get yourself a sturdy hat to collect donations in. *If you don’t do your homework at least your chicken suit will protect you from the rain when you are dancing on the side of the road promoting the daily special on hot wings. *If you dont do your homework you have a good chance of getting knocked up at 17 by a guy who has a tattoo on his neck and keeps his wallet on a chain.
I think she has gotten the point. And all of you parents who need help kicking your kids into gear feel free to use my examples.
