why I will be single forever
A Few Rules
May 15th
Dating has been a lot more work than I expected. There are a lot of rules that it seems like everyone knows that just don’t make any sense to me. Here are just a few things I have learned in my dating adventures.
- Ten beers on a first date is at least one too many but if you are going to drink that much make sure it is clear beforehand that you will not be splitting the check.
- “That’s hot” is not an appropriate response to finding out your dates mother is dead.
- Texting immediately after a first date is not usually a good idea but texting “I would totally be your stalker if I knew where you lived” is guaranteed to get you a second date.
- It is not acceptable to remove your shoes at the dinner table in an effort to show how comfortable you are with your date. The same is true with push up pad inserts and hairpieces. This is apparently a “turn off”
- “How many times have you been arrested?” is not a good conversation starter. Surprisingly enough the answer is usually zero and I have found that you are usually expected to answer as well.
- And one for the guys, you don’t necessarily have to hold the door but if your date falls down the stairs, it’s a good idea to try and catch them instead of staring in horror. It’s called chivalry.
Single Life
May 1st
As you have probably guessed I am single. Like a lot of nutsos out there I decided to try out online dating. My ex asked me today to compose a match.com profile for him. I thought I would share mine just to give you an idea of how dating is going.
Bitter, Jaded, Excessive Emotional Baggage. Interested?
I’ve been here a while and I’ve decided to put it all out there. So here it goes. First of all, my pictures, they are all me. I’m a single mom so I don’t have many pictures of me with no kids. There are too many creepazoids out there to put those up. I’m not actively looking for a serious relationship, whatever happens, happens. That doesn’t mean I want to sleep with you, it means I’m a commitment-phobe. So please don’t ask me to marry you in an e-mail. If things do happen to progress, its best if you leave before the sun comes up, I like my morning smoke alone. But don’t count on that because you aren’t going to get me drunk and take advantage. I’m a pro at being wasted. As a matter of fact I’m probably wasted and chain smoking right now. I’ve got a foul mouth and I’m not very graceful. Sometimes I fall down, usually it’s when I’m sober. Dinner at your place is not an option for a first date. I’m not a picky eater but there’s always a chance I won’t like your cooking. I’d rather go out to eat than risk starving, or showing up on the back of a milk carton. I don’t care how much money you make or how much you lost in the divorce, so lets not talk about it. It’s really none of my business. I have no ex drama but I do have two beautiful, perfect children who you will probably never meet. Unless I’m tryng to get rid of you. I’m big on efficiency and I’m really impatient. Despite that I’m pretty low maintenance when it comes to relationships. I’m very independent. I like the idea of a knight in shining armor but would rather do most things for myself. I love living alone. I’m not really good at sharing, I hate the idea of people moving my stuff around. Especally my meds. I’m not afraid to ask anything or tell you what I think. If bold and assertive is really a turn on I’m your girl. I’m into strong, useful, manly men. I like guys a little rough around the edges, muscle cars and motorcycles. If you’ve been single more than three days and your mother doesn’t buy your girlfriends underwear (my standards are getting lower every day) send me an email. Maybe we can go grab a beer.
By the way, if you aren’t single you can move on, obviously I have enough issues.
Needless to say it hasnt been a romance filled year and a half
