people that I meet

 Today is the one day a year when our only responsibility is to be thankful for the things we do have.

This is a reminder to everyone who struggles to get through the holidays.

Remember, to appreciate that you have so many people who want to spend this special holiday with you and your family, instead of verbally assaulting your husband, in front of  the kids, for 40 miles of bumper to bumper traffic, even though there probably wouldn’t have been any traffic on the way to your mother’s house.

Remember, today, to embrace peoples differences and not to judge. Appreciate your right to remove your children from the room, before the unveiling of your father-in-law’s brand new, custom, half-mile hog rifle. Not everyone has the right to voice their opinions.

Be grateful you arrived a little late (11am). Be grateful that you haven’t had a drink just yet, because out of 24 guests you are the only one over 16 who is sober enough to drive your uncle to the hospital.  When you hand over Uncle J’s insurance card in the emergency room, remember to be grateful that he is not among the hundreds of thousands of Americans who have lost their jobs and their healthcare coverage.

Instead of hiding your purse from your husband’s step-sisters six illegitimate children (you should have left it at home these kids are pros), joyously greet every one of them. Be grateful that she did not have to go through years of heartbreaking infertility treatments like so many families. And even though the story of her baby daddy being sent overseas to fight for our country doesn’t quite add up, especially after seeing his emotional departure played out on cops. Remember all the families who are missing loved ones this Thanksgiving, and thank her family anyway for letting our country borrow him, picking up garbage on the interstate is a valuable service too. 

When your brown-nosing sister-in-law raves about your mother-in-laws green beans,  just smile and agree, even though you know the recipe consists of a great big pot, 6 cans of Glory green beans, and the evidence buried deep in the trash can. Try to control your laughter (shooting any food that comes from a can out of your nose cannot be comfortable). Consider that there are many people who don’t have the option of stopping at the McDonald’s drive thru on the way home from Thanksgiving dinner, many who didn’t get a Thanksgiving dinner at all.

Be thankful that you have a psychiatrist who really listens, and understands that doubling a prescription or two during the holidays will really help you to remember, that each and every one of us has a lot to be thankful for.

Mostly I like being a girl. There are a lot of perks especially here in the south. Unfortunately holding the door me or carrying my groceries to the car is not going to get you laid. Personally, being hit on twelve times before I get to work in the morning is not flattering. It just pisses me off. This is just a subtle reminder to all of the overconfident men out there to please think before hitting on strangers. We are not all as pleasant as we look. It is not a good idea to approach me in the parking lot at six o’clock in the morning because you are curious whether I have a boyfriend or not. At that time of day I am more than capable of giving you a violently clear understanding of why I will probably stay single. Know that neither the dog park, covered in mud {more likely poo} or the pharmacy, buying feminine hygiene products or having psychiatric prescriptions filled, are appropriate meeting spots. I do not find your bright orange vest or your very manly stop sign the least bit sexy. I am more likely to run you down than give you my number. You arent getting anywhere with “Do you need help drinking that beer tonight?” because its gonna take a lot more than half a twelve pack for me to go anywhere with a grown man riding a 10 year old girls bike with sparkle streamers. And really, you buying a forty oz and a lottery ticket with a handful of nickels and dimes at 8am does not make you look like much of a catch, even if things were to work out obviously you do not have a job and you have made me late to mine. At least it would get our first fight out of the way.

Today’s irrational fear: That all of the stupid people in the world are conspiring to make me so angry that my head explodes.

Surely this is just a continuation of my paranoia. I know that stupid people have way better things to do like go to the post office and buy stamps so they can mail clipped coupons from Sunday’s newspaper to their loved ones.

We all think our children are genius. Especially when they are babies. I thought my Jackson was going to be an olympic diver until he started practicing off the ottoman onto the living room floor.
I am usually not impressed by other peoples children. I can count to 5, even after quite a few tequila shots and I didnt get dressed in the dark so I Know what color my shirt is. If your child can balance my checkbook or make my dog stop peeing on the carpet then I might agree that your child has a promising future.
What does impress me, psycho mom at the pediatrician, is the giant diaper you have found for your two hundred pound one year old. I have never seen the local mutants ‘r us. It must suck to have order diapers online every week and the loading dock must have cost a pretty penny. Now, please tell your kid I know where my freaking nose is. Thankyou.