my list
Thank You
Nov 6th
In case you haven’t noticed I am a glass half empty kind of person. In an effort to be more positive I have decided to start a gratitude journal. Every night I have been writing down all of the things I am thankfull for. I have decided that once a week I will share a few entries.
Thank you, to my next door neighbors miniture pinchers for reminding me, with their incessant yapping at 3 am, that I should get up early. I have lots of things to get done today, starting with picking up the poop their owner didn’t have time to get all week. Thank you, to the woman in the blue mini van, who has stopped up traffic in the school parking lot every morning this week, for reminding me, no matter how easy they are to take care of, permed mullets are not flattering and are never making a comeback. Thank you, to my sons daycare provider, who reminded me to always keep an extra set of clean clothes in his cubby, by putting him in lace trimmed capris complete with “cutie” spelled out in rhinestones across the butt. Thank you, to the t-mobile customer service representative who reminded me that, while I am a valued customer, foul language and threats of bodily harm will not restore the contacts I lost in the danger/microsoft outage. I also thank her for the reminder to “have a peachy day.” Thank you, to my dog for reminding me I need to spice things up a little, by meticulously fashioning every single pair of my underwear into sexy crotchless ones. It’s just not something I would have taken the time to do for myself.
Thank you, to all of you for the helpful reminders. Now not only is my glass half empty, but it is in little tiny shards all over the floor and I have red wine stains to get out of the carpet.
24 Hour Clothes
Nov 3rd
Jackson and I are not on speaking terms right now. I am really lucky to be able to spend a lot more time with my kids than the average working mom which I really think they should appreciate more. Addressing me as “Big Mama” and telling me that my mustache looks nice are not appropriate ways to show that appreciation. And since when does my three year old tell me what to wear to pick him up from school?!
Last night, just as I was drifting off to sleep, he creeped into my room, but instead of his usual top of his lungs request of water or to go potty or anything that would drag me out of my incredibly comfortable bed as soon as I close my eyes, he got distracted.
“You not going to sleep, Mommy” he said.
“Ummm..yes I am, Jackson, go back to bed.”
“You don’t got ‘jamas on.”
“Yes I do. See!” and I pulled back the covers to reveal what my sister once called my “24 hour clothes.” This is where, I guess, it starts to get confusing for a kid.
In utter disgust he exclaimed, “But you weared that at my school!” While it isn’t something I’m proud of it’s something I’m telling myself all Moms go through at some point. I shower daily but lately that’s about the extent of it.
I suppose I can try to spend a little extra time in the morning for my baby boy.
Also it would be a wonderful service to the woman at after school pick up, because if she greets me one more time with “Did you just wake up?” she’s moving right to the top of my list.
New Home
Oct 22nd
Welcome, to my new home! I’m stoked to be able to tell people I’m at straitjacketsareslimming.com, so thanks to WordPress. Hats off to all you professional bloggers out there. I am completely computer illiterate and this stuff can be very confusing and overwhelming. On the upside I now have accidentally downloaded more than my fair share of pornographic material onto my desktop. Finally I am ready to post and I have no internet service. Usually when this happens my service is quickly restored as soon as I pay my bill so you can just imagine how frustrating it was to discover my bill is paid and that Comcast is in the middle of some outage. While I have no intentions of making writing a profitable gig I do love it and love comments (praise) and hope to get more readers. More readers would mean that I would have a chance to get my message across to the people who need to hear it. For example the Keenan Thompson as Whoopi Goldberg look a like who giggled at me because I was wearing orange and red flannel pajamas in public this morning. Obviously me wearing pajamas in public means it’s probably not a good idea for me to talk to people. Also running like a maniac on an unseasonably warm october morning to get my kids to school on time only to discover that I have to go inside and sign in my daughter while wearing said hot ass pajamas made me especially moody. If “Ms Giggly” knew about straitjackets are slimming she would learn that yes, I was wearing pajamas in public and yes, I saw her laughing but surprisingly enough I did not having any violent feelings towards her because I am so happy that I have raised my children with some compassion and taught them how hurtful making fun can be. So when the back of those stretch pants, that probably fit her very nicely two or three kids ago busts wide open from all her hysterical laughter in front of the whole elementary school causing her poor innocent children to be teased mercilessly for at least the rest of the school year I know that my babies will be there for them.
PSA
Oct 16th
I quit smoking on sunday. I haven’t written about it because I’m trying not to think about it too much. If you have seen me this week I’m sure you have noticed quitting smoking is all I’ve been talking about. I sincerely appreciate that those who are close to me value my sanity and their own personal safety enough to realize that now is not the best time to point out my inconsistencies. It’s been going pretty well but there is one thing I would like to mention just as a kind of public service announcement. If you cut me off on the way into the Burger King drive thru on my fifth day as a nonsmoker when I would most likely sell my soul to the devil for an angry whopper and then drive away without your order, causing the 80 year old cashier to get so flustered he forgets my onion ring sauce, I will remember your face forever. Hopefully for you we never meet again because tonight is not a good night for me to be without onion ring sauce.
By the way there is really never a good time to point out my inconsistencies.
That's Right
Jun 4th
A couple days ago I nominated myself for a bloggers choice award. That’s right I nominated myself. Just in case blogging and expecting people to enjoy it wasn’t narcissistic enough. I have to assume that most blogs get nominated by their creators. The difference is that I am not very creative with usernames and selected “maya_r” on the bloggers choice award website. I tried to change it after the fact but much like my pregnancies whats done is done and I have to make the best of it.
However, my obsession with myself is not the saddest part of this whole nomination thing. There are a few people that I ask for advice before I do anything and I asked all of these people which categories I should nominate myself in. “Humor” was unanimous. Wait a minute! This is my life I’m blogging about! I have learned that my loved ones think my anger, confusion, paranoia and the fact that my children might as well be raised by wolves are all hilarious. They are now all on my list.
So even if you are just voting for me out of pity please vote for me http://bloggerschoiceawards.com/blogs/show/76247/?utm_source=bloggerschoiceawards&utm_medium=badge&utm_content=besthumorblog
Thanks
Caution
May 6th
9 warning signs you are about to be a victim of verbal abuse:
1. you talk to me with a midwestern accent before 8 am.
2. I stare at you blankly and you keep talking.
3. I stare at you blankly and you keep talking then giggle nervously.
4. you ask me if I would like to take care of my balance today.
5. you are standing in the middle of the street waiting for the school bus. Age discrimination is wrong no matter what the situation.
6. you are in front of me at the bank at 1:57 and you don’t have a pen.
7. you see me frantically searching for my cigarette lighter and you continue to wait for my parking spot.
8. you ask me for one of my french fries.
9. you ask me how my fast food fast is going.
Gun Control
May 1st
I am often accused of having anger issues.
My most recent accuser was my seven year old daughter.
This accusation did not lead to her being sent to her room with no dinner, and no breakfast just to be sure I had proved my point.
It did lead to a very revealing conversation. I was able to explain to her truthfully, that anger is the emotion I feel most comfortable with. It is just easier for me to be angry than it is for me to be sad, embarrassed, happy, etc.
The following list, as well as being an example for my readers of just exactly what sets me off, is also my personal argument for stronger gun control laws.
I am allowed to purchase a gun and that should scare all of you.
Luckily, I know better than to own a gun. The only times I have seriously considered purchasing a gun, I have been too drunk to drive myself to the gun store.
Luckily, my loved also ones know that I do not need to own a gun. Or they might just be terrified that any second my wrath could turn on them. Even after many late night phone calls, I have not been able to get a ride to any gun store.
This is the beginning of my list of people I would very likely shoot in a fit of rage if I had a gun:
- - people who chew with their mouth open, people who talk with their mouths full and people who eat too close to me.
- - people who drive too slow in the fast lane, people who won’t let me over and make me miss my exit, people who honk at me when I’m not paying attention at a stoplight, and people who give me dirty looks when I cut them off.
- - people who talk baby talk to children and animals, and people who think my children are obnoxious.
- - t-mobile customer service representatives, comcast customer service representatives, wachovia customer service representatives, and dominion virginia power customer service representatives.
- - women who say they like being pregnant, and women with children who don’t have to wear body shaping undergarments.
- - people who take up two parking spots or park right on the line, people who wait for close parking spots instead of walking, and people who think I am going to move my car just because they are about to hit me.
- - people who take for ever choosing their $20 lottery tickets, when my debit card has been declined at the pump, and gas station attendants, who are unfortunate enough to work in gas stations, that don’t keep king size butterfingers in stock.
- - most of the men I have dated, and their wives.
Once I started this list I realized it could go on for miles, but I am going to assume you get the idea.
If you don’t you will soon be added to the list.
