This post showed up in my “unpublished drafts” folder. I’m sure I did publish it, but maybe my switch from blogger to wordpress in October moved it again.

Anyway, it’s a bucket list I started at the end of the summer.  I have been through a lot of changes over the last two weeks and it needs to be updated. But because I made the insane commitment to post everyday this month I’m reposting it and maybe will update later.

What I Do…

I know that several of you who read this blog allow me to hold sharp objects very close to your head. I have to say thank you for your bravery and reassure any of you who haven’t seen me in a while that there is no reason to be afraid.

I have noticed that business has slowed down quite a bit and I’m not sure if its the economy, summer in RVA or the tension you undoubtedly see on my face in the middle of a particularly nerve-searing techno song when I am dressed all in black like a suicidal teenager.

Doing hair is honestly one of the only things that calms and relaxes me. In case you had any doubt I need all of the calming and relaxing I can get. The last month has been pretty stressful. Nothing monumental, I guess I can best describe it as a rut. I get into these funks more and more often the older I get.

Luckily, one of the most recent facebook quizzes I took assured me that I have already lived 93% of my life and every time I take the “real age” survey the age gets higher and higher and they have more ridiculous advice for me. Most recently my real age is 56 and they suggest I “get better bladder control” which I can only assume means don’t drink so damn much.

Since I obviously don’t have much time left I have decided to work on a bucket list. Its not easy. Here is what I have so far:

  • Quit smoking.

  • Find my checkbook before I accumulate any more late fees or my cable gets cut off. Again.

  • Open my own hair salon in honor of my late mother.

  • Go through hypnotherapy to bring back all of my blocked memories and write a bestselling memoir. Providing they can bring back blackouts.

  • Go on Supernanny or Dr Phil and have them tell me I’m doing everything right, it’s definitely someone else’s fault.

  • Lose thirty pounds without eating healthy or working out or surgery…I realize my best options are crack or cancer.

  • Build my own playground for grown ups. (Not “adult” playground you pervert.)

  • Throw a shopping cart at the next Kmart shopper who stands too close to me in line.

  • Meet William Shatner.

  • See the last guy who text message dumped me in public and be wasted enough to punch him in the face.

  • Create a budget and meet a man who is able to afford my budget. Maybe William Shatner?

  • See naked midgets run through my neighborhood, Jerry Springer style.
  • And instead of “get better bladder control,” be a trendsetter and create the most beautiful bedazzled depends with their very own late night infomercial in honor of the late Billy Mays.

Its definitely a work in progress.