Once again blogging has taken a back seat to insanity. I have been writing but unfortunately it’s all the kind of stuff that would have me arrested. Fortunately, the insanity defense is all in place and if you read regularly, you may be called as a witness.  As a matter of fact if you continue reading today you may be called as a witness.

A few things have happened over the past few days and my stress level is once again out of control.

Here are some highlights.

Saturday Dec 12th.

After an altercation at the Burger King drive thru, that led me to coin the phrase “Don’t make me go all Onion Ring Sauce on you,” I came up with the most awesome idea ever for my first book (I can’t tell what the idea is just yet. Now you have to keep coming back! Muahahaha!)  I immediately emailed almost everyone I know.

I then waited patiently for the immediate shower of praise. After ten minutes had passed, I began texting almost everyone I know to please check their email.  Feeling neglected I watched The Wedding Singer (I couldn’t find the remote control) and kept myself entertained on commercials refreshing my email just in case anyone was actually at home on a Saturday night to praise my genius.

Sunday Dec 13th.

I woke up with no heat. While waiting 8 hours, hoping that by putting my space heater underneath the comforter I was wrapped in would catch it on fire so I could get warm (it was the coldest day yet this winter), for maintenance to arrive (they will not come in unless I am here because of  how often I am seen trying to catch my runaway dog), I redid my blog layout.

I loved the previous layout but instead of “reply” in the comments section it said “replay” and I just couldn’t take it anymore. I am also cheap, technically incompetent and obsessive compulsive. If you were here on Sunday you might have noticed my obsessive compulsive behavior went on for the entire eight hours.

After the heat was fixed, I took the children to see Santa, where I thoroughly embarrassed them and their Dad by informing Santa’s elf that I would not be paying such outrageous prices for an imperfect picture. Luckily we take them to Willow Lawn (if you are in Richmond you know that Willow Lawn is the only mall on the planet that can afford to stay open with just an Old Navy, a Chick-Fil-A and a bunch of “we’ve moved” storefront banners). Because Chick-Fil-A is closed on Sunday, there were only three mall shoppers and Santa had more than enough time to let me reposition him and my children until I was satisfied.

Thank goodness I was on such a huge “good customer service” high because we then went to dinner and were seated next to a very rowdy party of thirteen.  Because I am used to being the loudest table in a restaurant and I cannot tolerate rudeness (in others) I yelled “WHAT?! I DIDN’T HEAR YOU!” at the top of my lungs, at regular intervals throughout dinner. Once again causing my family to bow their red faces in shame.

Monday Dec 14th.

I realized it was the first day of Christmas and quickly put on my anal retentive hat. I was not able to finish my blog design (yes, I am still working on it) because I was looking for the perfect graphics to post my ideal plan for the twelve days of Christmas.

I was soon distracted by making my own Southpark character and Garbage Pail Kid.

My list, however, did get done and I was able to make my very first Wassail and teach the kids how creatively expletives could be used, while my ex drank the Wassail and watched me put the tree together. Apparently he never knew that the tree we had for ten years had to be put together and was not pre-lit (this and the account of our Sunday family fun night should begin to answer the question “why don’t you guys just get back together?” that I get everyday.)

Tuesday Dec 15th.

Because the holidays bring out the best in me, I was able to display my compulsive character once again.  Mostly by ignoring any signs that said “handicapped parking”  (I am clinically insane which is obviously a handicap) or “20 items or less” (nine over doesn’t matter when the cashier can’t count in the first place), but also by planning my daughter’s second grade holiday party.

Thankfully, lots of parents signed up to bring things and most of them even provided me with a correct phone number (to the parent who thinks I believe you are at Santa’s Workshop, I don’t need Martha Stuart to make a Christmas in the Big House special to figure out how to make a shiv out of a candy cane. I’m very creative, and now very excited to have a craft idea for the party.)

Because I was feeling the magic of the season, Wednesday was able to convince me that we should attend the PTA holiday concert, and that even though only the fourth and fifth graders were performing, she needed a Christmas dress for the event.  This led to a couple hours of bonding (Mommy Dearest style, “We might be able to find a dress made from burlap to make the potato sack look complete. Stand up straight.”) over the clearance rack at Target and a new house rule. Some garbage about putting quarters in a jar for every bad word I say (not gonna fucking happen!).

She did look beautiful in her red satin dress covered in black lace and rhinestones, with patent flats, glittery tights and satin rose covered headband, which I bought for no apparent reason!

I also realized what a giving child she is when she looked at me with proud respect after I told her brother that I had given all of the Little Debbie Christmas Tree Cakes to needy children.

After the concert, and good laugh over watching MC Bizzy J try to crawl out from under a toppled Christmas tree (I am not buying another one before Christmas. The silver duct tape base is actually very festive) we sat down to begin reading The Best Christmas Pageant Ever.

So you see I have finally gotten into the holiday spirit. Even though I will be busy making magic happen, and the stress of it might cause me to be a little busy with important tasks like, poking the dog with a broom to make sure she isn’t dead (twice today) and sticking my hand in the oven to make sure I turned it off (every ten minutes for the last hour and a half), I will try to be a little better about posting regularly.